* * *
‘Do you need a Jew as a friend?’ ‘No, I prefer a Christian. I need an advocate, not a business lawyer… Pts-s-s… The circumstances.’
‘Any news from Sicily?’ ‘What news from Sicily? You will maybe ask me if did immigrate or just bought a ticket to the ship?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I also don’t know… But, sometimes, it is possible to…’ ‘What is possible to?’ ‘To stay at home being a guest.’
An Armenian son returns home last in the night and wakens his father by shaking his shoulder, ‘Father, father… I should confess to you I have a wife… already for some time.’ ‘How long it lasts?’ the Armenian father in a participating way demands, being raised out from the world of dreams. ‘From ten o’clock yesterday when the overnight began.’
‘Ok, guys, Boss does send us for some racket in the local private insurance company, any opinions?’ ‘Well, like it’s Medicare… and the State does cover the expenses… All these ambulance chaser advocates… Maybe, we just say we do it to support the plan of Clinton-Obama?’
‘God, oh… God, you were right… I should not have pledged the ring of the defunct Jerry to the local shop of this Jew Abram… Well, I would better leave it in his grave to be buried… It might be counted and taken for reckoning in the day of doom and judgment… And, the angels might say he was graceful and merciful, if Boss himself gifted him that ring… Shit, I should not have believed that old Jew Abram who said he had the direct come to the God and might fix the matter!’
Conclusion:
USA is a country that establishes and aсknowledges for any citizen to have a right to feel himself (herself) a rebel against its own legal government.
An Englishman meets another Englishman and asks, ‘Have you ever met a clock?’ ‘I met it on the Big Ben.’ ‘I think that would be expedient to meet for us at over there for punctuality.’ ‘You think it’s polite?’ ‘I think even the king would think it’s polite.’
A cardinal meets another cardinal and asks, ‘How do you think should we forgive these sins?’ ‘I think not now until some time.’ ‘You do say it yourself or that is said by that horrible man that sojourns in your soul when we share the church money?’
‘The specialists do say people would think about you after your death you were a lucky guy.’ ‘If so, I will not invest some of my money into the Davy Jones’ lockers like box of hidden treasuries but spend that finance on my burial party.’
‘You made so delicious food, all was so tasty, you are a good cooker, almost a Georgian, so hospitable.’ ‘I just treated you according to our Caucasus custom and you do imply and mix up with politics?!’
* * *
‘Fish.’ ‘Fish.’ ‘How much of fish?’ ‘Seems fish.’ ‘You’re quite a fish.’
‘Yankee Doodle… USA… Clean roads… Independent and free people… Honest policemen… Even honest criminals… I would like to live over there.’ ‘You also want to participate in that melodrama which the rest of the world pays about ten billion dollars a month for… Seems like that… If only so…’ ‘Yes, I dream about being an actor in Hollywood.’ ‘But, only do not ruin your career by taking part in a politically unsuccessful movie.’
‘Bobbi was a good policeman.’ ‘Yea, Bobbi was a good policeman.’ ‘But, he did not die of a bullet or knife… They say he died of stomach ulcers or some infarct.’ ‘They said as well to him, ‘We will kill you, if not with a bullet then with despising.’’
‘This man is so funny.’ ‘Yea, I would like to know what shit does he eat.’ ‘Not cucumbers, that’s for sure.’
‘Jack is crazy.’ ‘Yep, Jack is crazy: he first offered me his house as a gift but then refused to give me a free tobacco smoke.’
‘Jokes?’ ‘Jokes.’ ‘Jokes?!’ ‘No jokes.’ ‘Any jokes…’
‘Do you know the history of the knight Gothlib?’ ‘Yea, if to start the story from the fact that first counts were accountants.’
‘You think we might hire that taxi driver for our deal?’ ‘No, I do not think it’s a good idea. He knows the city too well.’
‘They say Cosa Nostra is a State in a State and even a Mafia in a Mafia.’ ‘Go to Russia, Bobbi, and they will show and explain you the matreshkas’ principle.’
‘Italians won the world for four times: first with their legions, second time with their law, third time with their religion, and fourth time with their Mafia.’ ‘Yea, each time they get more and more gently.’
‘Let’s eat the barbecue.’ ‘But no questions as to who whom whose.’
‘They promised to render him the last grace.’ ‘Only he should not mix up and take the last grace for the first sight.’
‘We became serious, Mick. Almost became honorable.’ ‘Listen Jo, let’s solve that matter when you borrowed me ten bucks for Coney Island, while we’re still serious and until we became honorable.’
‘I love that Greek music in these cowboy westerns, Stew.’ ‘Vini, vidi, Vici?’ ‘No, I just heard.’
‘Kennedy was a queer guy.’ ‘Yep, nobody know.’
‘Tobacco.’ ‘Tobacco.’ ‘But, no organized crime.’ ‘Ha-ha, Bill.’
‘You deride the sacred things of the American democracy!’ ‘Not sacred and not secret, they talk of them so much.’
‘Do you need an overdraft, Bill?’ ‘I say me about all these banking machinations or how your automobile gear box works by?’
‘You are a complex fish, Bill.’ ‘No, I am as simple as that little Italian Sicilian that got lost astray when he had found a rotten potato in his kitchen garden.’
I am a Jew and beautiful. But, they had offered my dad a badpaid job. He was a killer.
'Do you know that rogue Massimo, a whoremonger and drugdealer?' 'You mean that accursed Jew that still bewails the death of Jesus?'
четверг, 21 января 2010 г.
четверг, 24 сентября 2009 г.
Anecdotes
Hello, folks. I would like to relate you an anecdote (a laugh story). It is as follows:
An elephant meets another elephant and demands, 'Could you render me a friendly service and poke your trunk into my ass to air-compression-breathe-through to scavenge?' The other elephant answers, 'But you do entrust and register me as a technical service station.'
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. I dare it appropriate to tell you a parable:An ape meets another ape. The first is a circus one, the other just an ape. The second demands the first one, 'Whom are you working for?'. The first one answers, 'I work for Tony the animal-trainer.' The second one says, 'You better work for Jack the diver, he is more imposing and bigger.' Simply, the first monkey worked on and for Mafia while the second monkey was without notions.
That's a completely serious story:A Frenchman meets a Swiss and says, 'I fight for honor but what you fight for?' The Switzerland man answers, 'I fight for money.' To that, the Frenchman asks, 'Might you give me a quick appraisal of the financial value of your money?'
A bit of people's wisdom:An aristo meets another aristo. The first one proposes, 'Let's sell the wine.' The second one was a bit of a lawyer and remarks, 'We sell the wine but we do not sell our sense of honor and renown.' 'Yes, we just sell the wine.' 'Ok, we sell the wine.'
A solicitor came to a State official and demands, 'Do you take bribes?' The officer answers, 'Yes, but not today.'
Adam comes to the Devil Serpent that hangs upon the tree of the knowledge of the good and evil. 'Do you want some wisdom?' the Satan asks to propose. 'You better say me right how to cheat the God.' Indignantly the first man demands.
A guy meets another guy and asks, 'So, you have a gun?' 'Yes, I have a gun.' 'But, all have a gun: police have guns, CIA have guns.' 'So, I do not have any gun?' 'No, we don't have any gun.'
A dog encounters a cat and inquires, 'Do you work or hire?' 'I just take it easy.'
A pair of guys met on an appointment. 'So, we got an order from CIA?' 'Yes, we got an order from CIA, but first we proposed.' 'So, we divide it by halves?' 'Yes, we divide it by halves but your half is five percents.'
A guy meets a royal penguin and asks, 'Thus, you come to a ball... like a tail-coat?' 'I would come to a ball you called our egg, but it's now my wife's shift.'
‘Will you collect the beans?’ ‘I would but they are too many.’
‘So, you work for our Don?’ ‘Who doesn’t work for our Don?’ ‘I know some guys.’ ‘I do not know them.’
‘So, you start a business? Who invests? You invest, they invest?’ ‘Lets it leave the way it is, only we do not apply to a lawyer.’
‘Will you vote for the president?’ ‘I do not mix with politics.’ ‘But, you should.’ ‘Only you pay for the matter any way it turns out.’
‘So, you need an advocate?’ ‘It’s like I may do it by myself.’ ‘I knew you were a Catholic.’
‘You are a lawyer and parasite on the sins of the humankind!’ ‘I may complain to my Godfather and even the bishop, the matter may come as high as to the Pope. They know better of that.’
'Do you pay indulgence money?' 'Yes, I am not too strong in theology.'
'So, they did torture you?' 'Psh-sh-sh... I do not mistake the hell of selling Omerta for the paradise of advertisement.'
‘So, you robbed a bank?’ ‘Yes, I robbed a bank.’ ‘Did you have a deposit account over there?’ ‘Yes, but let’s not mix with how much I owe to those I do not want to say a hello to even.’ ‘But, you took more?’ ‘Boss, a casino is a casino, whether you did not watch all those horrors about the global financial crisis?’
'You might buy a car.' 'I may hijack it.' 'Only you do that on the federal road that I knew I have to bring the graft to FBI, instead of rolling over all these local police departments.'
‘They say you know the secret of the nuclear bomb?’ ‘Piano, piano… I do not sell too much for too many.’
‘I knew old Fillignio.’ ‘Yes, I also knew old Fillignio.’ ‘My son even does not know the story of now old Filligno.’ ‘You want to tell him that horror stuff to somehow bring up?’
‘Jane was a hooker.’ ‘Yes, little Jane was a hooker.’ ‘But, they asked from that guy for her as for some honorable lady.’ ‘Yes, they had knives.’ ‘But, have you ever heard from that lucky fellow that first invested into Jane?’
‘The bishop says like we sin too much.’ ‘Have you proposed the money for some knew good beautiful things for the church?’ ‘Yep, but he said it was almost a mortal sin.’ ‘I said to you I always regretted I had not been born a Jew! The rabbis are not so expensive. Damn it.’
‘Jack, they say you are lucky. Like you did a lot of stuff to bring about the trouble… but you got well.’ ‘I already read the Bible for three times: in English, in Italian, even in French… How else I may explain you the local sheriff also believes in the forgiveness of things through suffering?’ ‘Jack, we do not say about the tortures of the conscience… we say about our part of the deal… We do not dispute that you’ve got to be our local and personal Jesus, but we in this case are devout Christians and also want to share your Calvary.’
‘They say like you launder the money by establishing a trust on the pigs of the pig-house of a local farmer?’ ‘I know, Crooks, it’s dishonest to make the animals suffer so much, but they said to me the advocates for the rights of the animals take less than those big partners that arrange it for Coca-cola or IBM.’
‘Cruise, they say you play poker much well… Might you tell us your scheme? You play bit by bit?’ ‘No, I play ‘by’ by ‘by’.’
‘They say the daughter of the accountant walks a lame leg… You think she plays pranks?’ ‘I think she should not play with her cousin Mick until I show him the Devil also respects the feminine charm.’
‘They say Don carries a gun… Seems like the old man recalls the nobility of his young deals.’ ‘Well, only he should not recall the nobility of his young tricks.’
‘They say Don Tanilio takes the niggers into his family.’ ‘Yep, but they say Adam the first man was also a Negro.’ ‘As well… To say honest I am also absolutely dark deep in my soul.’ ‘Yep, but not as dark as this black Bill, who flew from the local sheriff under pretences his ancestors worked enough for Pharaohs.’
‘They say all decided you are a thief-in-law and should follow the code of the thieves honor.’ ‘The hell with that code. I think I should get into the jail to retire from my business.’ ‘Only, you do not think of too much of business in over there lest you might scare the souls of these prisoners.’
‘Who bets I do win that wager?’ ‘Dick the Chills, nobody needs you as a partner in such a complex spin of the Wheel of Fortune.’
‘Have you ever seen Las-Vegas?’ ‘I did not die after I had seen Paris, I did not die after I had seen Naples. You think I might die over there where there is almost no street crime?’
‘Will you do that?’ ‘Nope.’ ‘Will you do that?!’ ‘Nope.’ ‘Will you do that or we do it ourselves?!’ ‘Yope?!’
‘They say the local sheriff wants to become a man of Cosa Nostra.’ ‘Funny… what he might do in all this complex scheme of their Mafia armies… All these soldiers, assistant, advisers… and the boss himself.’ ‘I think he will stay the local sheriff as he was the local sheriff.’
‘Old Dick does not ask his debt from me.’ ‘He invested in your future, son.’ ‘So bad past and so good future… Damn it.’
‘Don Vincenso won another deal.’ ‘Do not name your son Loser.’
‘We’ve been present here to choose our chieftain.’ ‘Let’s better find a guy who might do all we may decide on our meeting.’
Sad humor:
‘They want to take you to Mafia.’ ‘But, my dad was in Vietnam and is now a vet. He understood the demand, instruction, advice and even order… I might understand too much.’ ‘Yep. Seems we might have misunderstood something ourselves.’
‘Your grandma says the Mafia is good.’ ‘She is good herself.’ ‘As good as much.’ ‘You better ask it from my grandfather, he was in jail, but on the leave came to her soon.’
One Jew meets another Jew. ‘How we solve that matter, we do consult each other?’ ‘Let’s address the God.’ ‘Ok, every one his own One.’
‘Isaac, you want to become a financier?’ ‘If God will bless.’ ‘But, how much we should pay to the rabbi to know if God does bless?’
‘That boy David grows to be a bandit, he’s got six toy guns.’ ‘Do not say too early for that, maybe, he wants to become a weapons dealer.’
A young Jew says to the rabbi, ‘I put a good sum to the treasury of our synagogue.’ ‘You do it for the blessing of the community.’ ‘No, I do it for my own blessing. The God will bless the community Himself, we’ve got such a good rabbi.’
A father, a Russian father says to his Russian son, ‘I’ve arranged for that with our local recruitment commissar, you shall come to the war.’ ‘You better arrange it for some local authority for me to come to the girls.’
A German officer bawls around in a company of the fresh bundesver rookies on a military exercise, ‘Niht shiBen, discipline, niht shiBen discipline!’ One of the young soldiers remarks, ‘Nobody wanted to shoot so far.’
An elephant meets another elephant and demands, 'Could you render me a friendly service and poke your trunk into my ass to air-compression-breathe-through to scavenge?' The other elephant answers, 'But you do entrust and register me as a technical service station.'
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. I dare it appropriate to tell you a parable:An ape meets another ape. The first is a circus one, the other just an ape. The second demands the first one, 'Whom are you working for?'. The first one answers, 'I work for Tony the animal-trainer.' The second one says, 'You better work for Jack the diver, he is more imposing and bigger.' Simply, the first monkey worked on and for Mafia while the second monkey was without notions.
That's a completely serious story:A Frenchman meets a Swiss and says, 'I fight for honor but what you fight for?' The Switzerland man answers, 'I fight for money.' To that, the Frenchman asks, 'Might you give me a quick appraisal of the financial value of your money?'
A bit of people's wisdom:An aristo meets another aristo. The first one proposes, 'Let's sell the wine.' The second one was a bit of a lawyer and remarks, 'We sell the wine but we do not sell our sense of honor and renown.' 'Yes, we just sell the wine.' 'Ok, we sell the wine.'
A solicitor came to a State official and demands, 'Do you take bribes?' The officer answers, 'Yes, but not today.'
Adam comes to the Devil Serpent that hangs upon the tree of the knowledge of the good and evil. 'Do you want some wisdom?' the Satan asks to propose. 'You better say me right how to cheat the God.' Indignantly the first man demands.
A guy meets another guy and asks, 'So, you have a gun?' 'Yes, I have a gun.' 'But, all have a gun: police have guns, CIA have guns.' 'So, I do not have any gun?' 'No, we don't have any gun.'
A dog encounters a cat and inquires, 'Do you work or hire?' 'I just take it easy.'
A pair of guys met on an appointment. 'So, we got an order from CIA?' 'Yes, we got an order from CIA, but first we proposed.' 'So, we divide it by halves?' 'Yes, we divide it by halves but your half is five percents.'
A guy meets a royal penguin and asks, 'Thus, you come to a ball... like a tail-coat?' 'I would come to a ball you called our egg, but it's now my wife's shift.'
‘Will you collect the beans?’ ‘I would but they are too many.’
‘So, you work for our Don?’ ‘Who doesn’t work for our Don?’ ‘I know some guys.’ ‘I do not know them.’
‘So, you start a business? Who invests? You invest, they invest?’ ‘Lets it leave the way it is, only we do not apply to a lawyer.’
‘Will you vote for the president?’ ‘I do not mix with politics.’ ‘But, you should.’ ‘Only you pay for the matter any way it turns out.’
‘So, you need an advocate?’ ‘It’s like I may do it by myself.’ ‘I knew you were a Catholic.’
‘You are a lawyer and parasite on the sins of the humankind!’ ‘I may complain to my Godfather and even the bishop, the matter may come as high as to the Pope. They know better of that.’
'Do you pay indulgence money?' 'Yes, I am not too strong in theology.'
'So, they did torture you?' 'Psh-sh-sh... I do not mistake the hell of selling Omerta for the paradise of advertisement.'
‘So, you robbed a bank?’ ‘Yes, I robbed a bank.’ ‘Did you have a deposit account over there?’ ‘Yes, but let’s not mix with how much I owe to those I do not want to say a hello to even.’ ‘But, you took more?’ ‘Boss, a casino is a casino, whether you did not watch all those horrors about the global financial crisis?’
'You might buy a car.' 'I may hijack it.' 'Only you do that on the federal road that I knew I have to bring the graft to FBI, instead of rolling over all these local police departments.'
‘They say you know the secret of the nuclear bomb?’ ‘Piano, piano… I do not sell too much for too many.’
‘I knew old Fillignio.’ ‘Yes, I also knew old Fillignio.’ ‘My son even does not know the story of now old Filligno.’ ‘You want to tell him that horror stuff to somehow bring up?’
‘Jane was a hooker.’ ‘Yes, little Jane was a hooker.’ ‘But, they asked from that guy for her as for some honorable lady.’ ‘Yes, they had knives.’ ‘But, have you ever heard from that lucky fellow that first invested into Jane?’
‘The bishop says like we sin too much.’ ‘Have you proposed the money for some knew good beautiful things for the church?’ ‘Yep, but he said it was almost a mortal sin.’ ‘I said to you I always regretted I had not been born a Jew! The rabbis are not so expensive. Damn it.’
‘Jack, they say you are lucky. Like you did a lot of stuff to bring about the trouble… but you got well.’ ‘I already read the Bible for three times: in English, in Italian, even in French… How else I may explain you the local sheriff also believes in the forgiveness of things through suffering?’ ‘Jack, we do not say about the tortures of the conscience… we say about our part of the deal… We do not dispute that you’ve got to be our local and personal Jesus, but we in this case are devout Christians and also want to share your Calvary.’
‘They say like you launder the money by establishing a trust on the pigs of the pig-house of a local farmer?’ ‘I know, Crooks, it’s dishonest to make the animals suffer so much, but they said to me the advocates for the rights of the animals take less than those big partners that arrange it for Coca-cola or IBM.’
‘Cruise, they say you play poker much well… Might you tell us your scheme? You play bit by bit?’ ‘No, I play ‘by’ by ‘by’.’
‘They say the daughter of the accountant walks a lame leg… You think she plays pranks?’ ‘I think she should not play with her cousin Mick until I show him the Devil also respects the feminine charm.’
‘They say Don carries a gun… Seems like the old man recalls the nobility of his young deals.’ ‘Well, only he should not recall the nobility of his young tricks.’
‘They say Don Tanilio takes the niggers into his family.’ ‘Yep, but they say Adam the first man was also a Negro.’ ‘As well… To say honest I am also absolutely dark deep in my soul.’ ‘Yep, but not as dark as this black Bill, who flew from the local sheriff under pretences his ancestors worked enough for Pharaohs.’
‘They say all decided you are a thief-in-law and should follow the code of the thieves honor.’ ‘The hell with that code. I think I should get into the jail to retire from my business.’ ‘Only, you do not think of too much of business in over there lest you might scare the souls of these prisoners.’
‘Who bets I do win that wager?’ ‘Dick the Chills, nobody needs you as a partner in such a complex spin of the Wheel of Fortune.’
‘Have you ever seen Las-Vegas?’ ‘I did not die after I had seen Paris, I did not die after I had seen Naples. You think I might die over there where there is almost no street crime?’
‘Will you do that?’ ‘Nope.’ ‘Will you do that?!’ ‘Nope.’ ‘Will you do that or we do it ourselves?!’ ‘Yope?!’
‘They say the local sheriff wants to become a man of Cosa Nostra.’ ‘Funny… what he might do in all this complex scheme of their Mafia armies… All these soldiers, assistant, advisers… and the boss himself.’ ‘I think he will stay the local sheriff as he was the local sheriff.’
‘Old Dick does not ask his debt from me.’ ‘He invested in your future, son.’ ‘So bad past and so good future… Damn it.’
‘Don Vincenso won another deal.’ ‘Do not name your son Loser.’
‘We’ve been present here to choose our chieftain.’ ‘Let’s better find a guy who might do all we may decide on our meeting.’
Sad humor:
‘They want to take you to Mafia.’ ‘But, my dad was in Vietnam and is now a vet. He understood the demand, instruction, advice and even order… I might understand too much.’ ‘Yep. Seems we might have misunderstood something ourselves.’
‘Your grandma says the Mafia is good.’ ‘She is good herself.’ ‘As good as much.’ ‘You better ask it from my grandfather, he was in jail, but on the leave came to her soon.’
One Jew meets another Jew. ‘How we solve that matter, we do consult each other?’ ‘Let’s address the God.’ ‘Ok, every one his own One.’
‘Isaac, you want to become a financier?’ ‘If God will bless.’ ‘But, how much we should pay to the rabbi to know if God does bless?’
‘That boy David grows to be a bandit, he’s got six toy guns.’ ‘Do not say too early for that, maybe, he wants to become a weapons dealer.’
A young Jew says to the rabbi, ‘I put a good sum to the treasury of our synagogue.’ ‘You do it for the blessing of the community.’ ‘No, I do it for my own blessing. The God will bless the community Himself, we’ve got such a good rabbi.’
A father, a Russian father says to his Russian son, ‘I’ve arranged for that with our local recruitment commissar, you shall come to the war.’ ‘You better arrange it for some local authority for me to come to the girls.’
A German officer bawls around in a company of the fresh bundesver rookies on a military exercise, ‘Niht shiBen, discipline, niht shiBen discipline!’ One of the young soldiers remarks, ‘Nobody wanted to shoot so far.’
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